Wednesday, December 29, 2010

2010 - Dissolving relationship mindfucks

It is interesting how I allowed myself to be influenced through feelings and emotions by my partner. When I see that she is not feeling ok or that she has a mindfuck, it's like I get it too. Like yesterday we were talking on the phone and I noticed that she's got this voice tonality that she usually has when she's not ok with something. I asked her why and whats wrong and she said nothing and then that she just doesn't know why I'm calling her because we can talk on the internet and that we don't have anything specific to talk about anyway. So that was probably the cause but anyway, I still allowed myself to go into this emotion of "something is wrong", I need to find out and help her correct the problem. I see now that I still see her differently in a way because I care more how she is and also how she sees me. So basically I would like her not to think bad about me and that's relationship mindfuck mind control. Usually what I would do in that situation is that I would start thinking about what is wrong and firstly if I am the reason for it and then I would try to make things 'right'. But yesterday I didn't, now I stop myself and breathe through it and just work with what is here in common sense. I ask and if there is a problem I try to assist in common sense, otherwise I stop to bother and don't think about it at all. I'd say we mostly fuck up things the moment we start to think about them. It's all ego mindfucks. I stop, I breathe and I do not accept and allow myself to go into my mind and thinking, instead I stay here in the breathe and deal only with what is here, common sense is all I need.

Writing this I felt a slight and short pain on the left middle side of my neck. Something defused? I know in general that pain appears when we write and do self-forgiveness which is indicating that we are in away effective with the process but I usually don't use it to assist myself with it specifically. I am going to be more aware of it and use it to assist myself from now on.

When I wrote the title for this post with the words "dissolving relationship" an emotion of fear/resistance/sadness came up. It was like "oh no I am loosing my relationship and I don't want that" kind of feeling when in fact I am just dissolving and deleting my imaginary mind constructs that are not real to begin with. It was hard for me in the beginning to deal with it but now I see that I am not loosing anything in fact, I am just removing the restrictions/ideas/mindfucks/illusions that fuck me up as my mind. And that is not loosing, that is allowing me as life back to me to be fully here, responsible and participating as equal as one, getting rid of limitation with which I imprisoned myself through my own mind.