So the first thing is that a week or so ago I failed after a few months of not watching porn because I watched it again to jack off. It was great, but, I am now even more certain, or should I say self motivated, not to do it again because I understand that by watching porn I accept and allow my sexual mind consciousenss system to control me and supress/possess me as who I am as life. And I don't want that at all! So instead of directing me here and stopping the sexual energy desire, I gave in and got possessed by it, wanting to experience the great energy build up and then the release through ejaculation, which aparently gives me the super-duper feeling of the orgasm. Afterwards I always feel relaxed, cheerful and motivated, but that's all mind system bullshit, because I am always responsible for how I feel and how I experience myself. I do not accept and allow myself to get possessed by sexual energy and desire, instead I stop and breathe and I direct myself here to clear all thoughts and energy movements/desires and I stay here in the breath in self-direction and self-certainty as who I am as life.
The other thing is that I don't want to stop sexuality or masturbation completely. Instead I want to be able to use it in self expression as who I am as life, with no wants/desires, to enjoy myself and my body and my partners body the way it is. But I always, when alone or with my partner, get quckly pumped with sexual energy when it comes to touching my 'stick of wonders' and then I give in and want to finish it with an orgasm/ejaculation. Because if I don't I feel tense and agitated and my balls hurt and what not I mean it's a real mind system fuck up. I've tried with my partner a few times to have sex as proposed by Desteni, just touching and feeling each other with no kissing and penetration but in the end, it still all came down to sex. It's quite a retarded situation, because I know that I am responsible for boulding up the sexual energy but still I'm usually unable to stop and then I find it more practical to just finish the thing with an orgasm because then I'm fine and clear again, otherwise I stay even more mindfucked and physically uncomfortable. So to stop this cycle of sexual possession, I have to stop myself before I even start to build up the energy. I've been doing that for some time now and I am getting better at it.
Still sometimes I get the desire to be physical with myself and/or my partner and if she doesn't want to, I breathe and delete the thoughts that come up. Like: "We haven't had sex for a week, I want to get physical..." or "I don't want to just touch myself and jack off, you do that better ..." lol, separation. Then I usualy do nothing and go to sleep.
So I've been working on this self-intimacy thing when alone,' like touching and feeling myself and breathing (trying breath orgasm a bit) and it's pleasant and interesting but as ususal I just can't avoid my dick and when I start with that I also ejaculate. It's like 'why the hell not' situation. So I want to deal wi this thing and right now I don't exactly know how. I also have this unwanted experience when jacking off by hand because it's not comfortable like it is with sex. So today I had a thought/interest of buying a fleshlight, which imitates the real 'cave of wonders', to play with when my partner is not interested. And I don't know if I should. I mean, I can see the mindfuck starting point of wanting to jack off my dick in a hightech suphisticated and comfortable way lol but it's also practical because I want to get rid of that sexual energy possession/desire to ejaculate everytime I start touching my dick. So I would use it to practically get rid of the speciallness of the experience of putting my 'magic stick' into the 'cave of woders'. Seriously though, in the end, it's all an excuse to continue orgasmating and ejaculating and feeling good about it.
I'm sure some of you already found some way to sort this sexuality thing out, yes? Well please give some perspectives. I find it complicated, lol.