Monday, January 3, 2011

2011 - Health and my problems

I'll write about all the problems with health I had since I can remember and are not considered as common.

The first thing I remember that I had problems with is that I had an inflammation underneath my armpits when I was very young. I had to use a cream I think and I had to visit a doctor where they changed my bandages. It was very painful, like a burning. But then it went away.

The next problem started when I went to elementary school, around that time. Out of random I was getting this sharp pains bellow my stomach in the intestine area. It appeared suddenly and it was very strong and in waves like someone is pushing a sharp pen inside me or something like that. It was so strong I couldn't stand nor sit so I just curled into a ball and breathed and sometimes prayed for it to go away soon. It usually lasted a few minutes but for me it was like forever. Then it suddenly went away just as quick as it came. I didn't make much effort to tell about it to anyone because I was a bit afraid and I didn't want to talk about it. Also I was a bit afraid of doctors. And I didn't have any other problems with it so I thought it wasn't worth going to see a doctor. Then the pain got less frequent and these day I don't have it anymore or it's extremely rare and more mild.

Then when I was around 11 years old (in 5th grade I think) I got a hemangioma inside my left cheek and it grew to a size of a cherry. I got quite a few mind-fucks about it because it was physically visible and it was also obtrusive in my mouth. It looked like I have something in my mouth so people noticed it and asked questions. If I squeezed it together the blood would flow out and it would go away so I did that all the time to hide it but it always reappeared in a few minutes. Then I went to a local hospital where I was anesthetized and they cut it out through my mouth. But they couldn't get it all out so it reappeared. Then I was sent to a bigger hospital in Ljubljana to a specialist. I was treated quite special there because I had the thing in an unusual place and because it was a delicate operation so a lot of doctors and students came to see me and they pictured me and what not... Then I was operated again when I was 15 years old from the outside which left me a big scar on the neck. It never bothered me, I actually liked it because I saw it as cool, lol. Then it looked like they got it all out and it was ok until yesterday I noticed that I got it again. It's quite small and it doesn't show or bother me but that will change if it will grow again so I have to visit the doctor again. It caused some mind-fucks to reappear again like sadness and fear of looking ugly and being operated again etc. But I'm breathing and stopping the thoughts. I'd like to figure it out why does it appear and what kind of a system is causing it or what am I accepting and allowing inside myself to cause it but I have no idea how. Maybe I'll try muscle communication.

Anyway, if I continue after the operation mentioned above, after that it looked I would have a normal healthy life but soon after that another thing happened. One day when I was sitting at my computer I started to feel pain inside my chest and it got stronger and stronger and then it burned like someone stabbed me in the middle of the chest. I told my parents and they said I should go to a doctor if it doesn't stop the next day. I went to sleep and the next day it was still there and I got scared and started to think about lots of thing like maybe I got another tumor or cancer or something and that I will have to visit a doctor again and that maybe I will die and all of that. I waited another day and the pain started to go away and then it stopped. But then lots of other more mild pains started to appear all around my body where the organs are. Mostly it appeared in my stomach area. I knew that something must be very wrong but I was too afraid to talk about it or to go to a doctor because I didn't want to find out that I got cancer or some other horrible illness. I started to ask all of those question like why me and if I am going to die etc. And I even started to pray although I wasn't part of any known religion. I made up my own prayer and prayed for health just in case if there is some higher being that listens to such mind-fucks, lol. The pain was annoying and repetitive. I had it almost every day. It appeared on random usually around my stomach or other organs, sometimes it was stronger sometimes almost non-existent. And it was like that for a year or two or three, and then I finally decided to go to a doctor where they sent me for a gastroscopy where they put a thin cable into my stomach through my mouth to take a look with a camera and take a sample of the tissue. I was sure they're going to find something and I was afraid of what is it going to be. But then I got the letter from the hospital that they didn't find anything unusual so I felt a relief and then I just forgot about it like it's nothing. Although the pain never went away completely, there were periods when it was almost non existent but then it came back again and so on. Last few years it's almost gone but still not completely.

Now when I studied the Desteni material I'm sure it has something to do with the mind systems and most probably with my relations to my parents. I was afraid most of the time of my father and I didn't talk much and had a lot of mind-fucks about self-image and so on. I dealt with that and I'm still working it out and I think I'm doing quite well because my self-confidence and self-trust are much stronger than before and I don't have all those fears I had towards other people anymore. The practical tools that anyone can learn at Desteni are really great and effective with dealing with all this things. But right now I'm really not sure what else to do about this problems I just wrote about other than write it out. If anyone else has any perspectives that would be quite helpful.