Tuesday, January 11, 2011

2011 - I had a dream...

The point of it was that my partner cheated on me and I saw it. (Yeah Barbi you were sitting on a lap of Sebastjan "D3" kissing him, lol). And that activated all kinds of feelings inside of me, like: sadness, envy, disappointment, anger. Then I tried to explain to her that this is not how it should be then I woke up. I'm still not clear of this relationship mind-fucks. The day before this I was talking with her on the phone and she mentioned that she unexpectedly met her first boyfriend so that was the trigger point where I had some of this feelings come up but they were very subtle and I could breathe them through easily. But I didn't deal enough with them because I time looped so I have to write some more about it.

When I think of her getting a new boyfriend or relationship or be intimate with another man I basically get the feeling of envy which is connected to the thoughts of/that majority of others had more romantic/sexual experiences than me and that I am from that perspective not equal to them so I want to make up for what I've missed. Now this is also connected to her in a way that if she doesn't seek for such experiences then I'm fine. But as soon as she would indicate this kind of intention or if I make myself think/believe that she will then this kind of reaction comes up. So that's usually the trigger point. Then the thought of "I had less romantic/sexual experiences..." would be the point of no return where the whole mind construct plays out and I have to breathe it through. So I have to stop myself before this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less then in regards to romantic/sexual experiences. When and as I see myself participating in thoughts of comparison and defining myself as less than I stop and breathe, I do not accept and allow myself to define myself as less than in any way and I realize that I am equal to all that is here and I direct myself to be effective in staying here in the breath as self-movement.