Saturday, January 21, 2012

2012 - Dealing with my Relationships / Agreements

I'll share some points I've been dealing with since Barbi and I decided to stop and delete all and any relationship mind constructs that we still have towards each other. This means we're stopping the habits that we developed in our relationship and learn how to be supportive to each other like we would be to anyone else. We don't live together every day as she lives with her roommates in Maribor and I work in another city where my parents live so I stay there and go to Maribor every other day or so.

So as Barbi proposed to break up the relationship I was firstly scared and sad as I perceived the "breaking up" part from a system perspective where two partners go away and don't see each other anymore and don't want to talk to each other. But as we talked it through we agreed that we are doing this to support each other in breaking up the relationship habits and attachments to each other in order to be more self-directive and self-sufficient and that we will do it practically, meaning that we will still support each other where it is common sense and Best for All, for instance she owns a car and I don't, but I need it to drive to work and she doesn't, so she will still lend me her car, but we won't for example go to her home or my home together because we did that mostly because of the relationship attachment and not from a common sense perspective. Also we still sleep in the same bed together because it is practical but we don't hug or have sex in order to remove the attachments and habits. I'll be moving into my own apartment in the town I work next week, so then I'll mostly visit Barbi at the weekends.

So, some points that came up for me within this time:

At first I occasionally allowed myself to have thoughts about "the break up", where I experienced sadness when memories came up about how I see and define and remember my relationship with Barbi, because I experienced it like I won't have that anymore. I used breathing to bring myself here and to not think about it and what also helped was that I explained to myself that "breaking up" is only an idea that I have about loosing the relationship that I had with Barbi and that definitions and relations of it weren't real anyway as I imagined them in my head as ideas and perception about us, which have nothing to do with the physical reality. It is great that we do this as an agreement and talk to each other. This way we put out the mind-fucks we get and share them and we work through them and support each other. If I couldn't talk to her and write out the mind-fucks I would just perpetuate them in the mind which would get me even more sad, scared and depressed. The Desteni'I'Process tools and what I have learned until now in my process are of great help in dealing with this points and mind-constructs.

Sometimes the fear of being alone comes up where I remember how I felt and perceived myself in the past, before I was in a relationship. So, the old patterns of thinking came up, where I desire to be in a relationship and to have someone that will "love" me and help me and also to always have someone for sex. Also fear of being stuck with my parents and having no friends, which is only memories now as I am not stuck with my parents anymore and also know a lot more people I can hang out with. I manage to stop the feeling and fear but the thoughts still come up about being with other people as now I don't fear them anymore as I already mostly dealt with that self-suppression. This I also perceive as a polarity which is also connected with girls and sex.

So as a teenager I was very afraid of meeting new people or talking to them, especially girls. I always wished to have friends and hang out with them and be with girls and explore sexuality but I was too afraid and too self-judgmental to express myself like this with others. So I created a polarity where I experienced a lack of social expression and now I find it exciting because I am able to do it. Also with the idea that I can have sex now with whomever I want as I have no relationship obligation to Barbi anymore. Again polarity, mind-fucks work like that to perpetuate themselves through our acceptance and allowance. So, what I realized also about stopping the mind-fucks is that I can look at a point and search for a polarity, to see where I have allowed myself to create one, and then stop it and just be self-directive here, doing what is Best for All. In the context of what I've said in this paragraph I also observed myself how I started to search more and care more for people that I can talk and be with (other than Barbi) out of fear that no-one will accept me and because I still allow myself to follow the desires to have friends, relationships and sex, which all derives from my fears of being alone. So, I started to contact more people and hang out with two girls in particular, but it's not all mind-fucks and desires because I am doing my process as I interact with others and I push myself to do self-corrections. So the starting point is to be self-honest, self-directive and do self-correction, to do what is Best for All. It is interesting how I get immediately 'bored' if I am with someone who is not interested about self-honesty, self-change and self-correction. All I can talk with such people is useless stuff, verbal diarrhea, unlived knowledge. Barbi's roommates are cool as they are open and also understand quite a lot of self-honest principles as Barbi and I explain them and talk with them about our process. Then I have another friend Luka, who had some problems with mental health and is very interested in the Desteni tools so I help him with his process.

OK that's it for this blog.