Friday, July 20, 2012

Day 18 - Relationship points: loneliness


I fear not having an agreement with X because we support each other practically and because with her I feel peaceful, safe, secure and comfortable.

Why do I feel peaceful?
We don't fight. I don't experience emotions of loneliness, aloneness, fear, anxiety, helplessness, lostness.

How do I experience loneliness?
I define loneliness as having no one to be/talk/do things with. When lonely I get the want to talk to or do something with someone. I think I am missing out life/living, I think others enjoy themselves more than me and I am jealous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the lonely character when I have no one to talk to/be with/do things with. I realize that with this I compromise myself by going into my mind where I think about others and what they are doing and what experiences they are having that I would also like to experience with them while I actually miss what is here by being in my mind. When and as I see myself going into the lonely character when I have no one to talk to/be with/do things with – I stop and I breathe. Instead I focus on moving and directing myself here in the breath in the physical within common sense and what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about others/friends and what they are doing when I have no one to talk to/be with/do things with and compare their experience to my experience. I realize that within this I fuck myself in the mind instead of simply being here in the breath. When and as I see myself thinking about others/friends and what they are doing when I have no one to talk to/be with/do things with and comparing their experience and my experience – I stop and I breathe. Instead I focus on moving and directing myself here in the breath in the physical within common sense and what is best for all.

I forgive myself to define being around friends/familiar people as more fun/better than being alone or with strangers and within this create the opposite polarity of loneliness. When and as I see myself defining being around friends/familiar people as more fun/better than being alone or with strangers – I stop and I breathe. Instead I stop existing within the polarity of being alone/being with friends and enjoy myself here in the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the want/need/desire to talk/do something with someone within and as me. I realize that within this I create the belief and emptiness within myself where I look for something outside of myself to fulfill me. When and as I see myself wanting/needing/desiring to talk/do something with someone – I stop and I breathe. Instead I stay here in the breath give back to myself that which I have separated myself from.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am missing out life/living when I have no one to talk to/be with/do things with. I realize that I don’t need anyone to enjoy myself. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that I am missing out life/living when I have no one to talk to/be with/do things with – I stop and I breathe. Instead I enjoy myself here in the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my life to the life of my friends and others and to think/believe/perceive that others enjoy themselves more than me and so create jealousy within myself. When and as I see myself comparing my life to the life of my friends and others and think/believe/perceive that others enjoy themselves more and become jealous – I stop and I breathe. Instead I stay here in the breath and do not compare my life to others and commit myself to work towards a solution that will allow all to have an enjoyable life in oneness and equality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into anxiety within the thought ‘I am alone, there’s no one I can talk to/do things with’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect/define the word aloneness as something negative and connect it with anxiety and depression.

I commit myself to no accept and allow myself to exist within the character of aloneness and I commit myself to investigate what I am actually separating myself from when desiring to not be alone and give it back to myself to stand self-sufficient and self-fulfilling.