Monday, March 25, 2013

Day 72 - Going for a walk

I had enough of myself today, living the same patterns, fears and being lazy, never really doing anything for myself. I always wait for something to happen, I wait for others to do something with me or do what others do and I get lost and scared when I am alone. I had enough of myself being like this and I went outside for a walk. It was 1 in the morning and there was chilly outside, everything was white from a thin layer of fresh frosty snow. I started walking across the city towards the big cinema. I knew it will be closed but I didn't care. That was my goal and I enjoyed myself, walking alone. I almost never do something just for myself, alone, I usually do things out of fear or I let my emotions and feelings to direct me, instead of me directing myself. I have to establish my own self-direction and stop fearing being with myself alone, doing things for myself alone. I have to stop waiting for things to happen to me, stopping wishing for this and that and stop fearing doing things for myself alone... I came to the cinema and in deed it was closed, so I continued walking towards the gas station. My partner wished for a chocolate, so I went to look if it is still open. I saw how my experience of myself immediately changed when I decided to go out by myself and for myself, when I decided to no more wait for something to happen or someone to be with me or give me direction. And I realized that this is what I need, what I have to do, start doing things for myself alone, I have to decide for myself what to do and be my own starting point. It doesn't really matter what I will do, what matters is that I decide to do it and do it for myself alone. Not to follow some desires and wishes, but to learn to direct myself alone, to develop self-direction, to learn to be with myself alone and stop fearing being with myself alone and being self-responsible for myself. This is how I will develop self-trust and lose the fear of doing things alone and start living me, being with myself alone, because each of us is alone and we have to be alone together. I am not saying that I have to be or will be actually alone, with no one around, that is irrelevant. What is important is that I start being self-directive and do things for myself alone, with myself, to develop self-trust and not depend on others, wait for others, subdue myself to others. I have to stop waiting for others to give me direction. I have to stop fearing living and being alive, I have to start being my own self-direction without fear and self-judgment.

I came to the gas station and it was closed, so I continued walking. I had no specific goal, but I had self-direction and my principle - walking. I walked and I walked quite fast and I was decisive. That's what I decided to do for myself alone and that is what I was doing and I enjoyed myself in how decisive I was. I walked for about an hour and I went across the city and to the top of a hill with a great view of it and I didn't get tired at all. I realized and decided that this is what I have to do for myself, I have to develop self-direction and determination to do things alone, for myself, to be my own starting point and get rid of all the fears of being self-responsible and learn to be as self-directive and decisive and without fears as I was at that moment, walking. I did it for myself and I was enjoying my self-direction and determination. And I didn't fear to be with myself alone. I always feared being alone, having to do things for myself alone and being self-responsible. And I still do at times, but I have my writings, self-forgiveness and common sense and I know what I want, I always want to be as decisive and as self-directive and without fear as I was when I decided to walk today. And I know that I have a lot of patterns to write out and remove and that fears and laziness and resistances and all the self-limitations of the mind will come back to test me, but I will not subdue to these mind energetic patterns and I will not let myself be less than what I am as Life. And I know that I will fail to stand many times, but I know what I want and I have my walk. I know how it is to walk decisively for self alone, without fear and with self-direction. And so I will walk and direct myself to walk, just as I did this day, and I will have this walk as an example of how self-directive, determined and without fear I can be and I will spread this walk to all parts of myself and my living, to be as best as I can and to not accept anything less from myself than what I really am as Life, in oneness and equality.