Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Day 133 - On my authority problems and "freezing" situation

I have this reaction to perceive authority where I fear the response of the "authority" and consequently "freeze" and become paralyzed because of the fear. I know that this originates from my interactions with my father because I never directed myself effectively in certain situations when this occurred. So I am exploring here the points to self-forgive and correct in order to remove my reaction of fear towards the perceived "authorities".

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my survival and ability to survive and be effective in this world is dependent on how others perceive me and what others think of me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that people with perceived authority over me and experience that I don't have, can completely decide my future in a ways where I am powerless and where I have no influence.

Further I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear such people and to perceive myself as inferior to them when they do not agree with me or support me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that authority over me exists.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed to realize that the only authority over me is me and that I have all the power to decide who I am in relation to others and how I feel and so I can stop all reactions of fear and inferiority/superiority towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will "freeze" in front of other where I will not know / be able to speak coherently and with common sense.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into fear whenever I think of/imagine myself "freezing" in front of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe that I must know in advance what and how I am going to say something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into "freeze" and the feeling of fear whenever my father spoke to me / asked me something / demanded something from me in anger/spite/emotion and so allowed myself to be paralyzed by the fear, instead of taking self-responsibility and directing myself in breath with the realization that no one has the authority over me and that no one has the right to hurt me or mock me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that the same as I do not have the right to mock and judge someone in spitefulness because this is unacceptable abuse, the same way others do not have the right to do so and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone will mock / judge me in spitefulness and to believe that I am the "faulty one" when this happens and then feel inferior, instead of realizing that I do not have to take this personally and react back, but simply direct myself in breath and show the person that the way he/she acts in spitefulness is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone will react to me with spitefulness and to fear that I will then go into fear and "freeze". Whenever I see myself fearing that someone will react to me with spitefulness and/or that I will "freeze" - I stop and breathe. I realize that reactions of spitefulness are not acceptable and that I do not have to react to them, therefore I commit myself to in such moments not react or go into fear but direct myself in breath here.