Thursday, June 19, 2014

Day 146 - Working through the fear of authority

Today I went to see the director of the firm where I get my scholarship to ask him if I will get it for my final year and if there is any chance for me to work there. I always get nervous in such situations where I perceive that my future is at stake and that I could screw it up and disappoint myself. I already wrote on the point of being scared of having to meet a perceived authority etc. I observed myself again today to see how I still react. Before the meeting a felt the fear an tension coming up in my stomach. I started to apply breathing and I done some SF on the obvious points that came to mind. I noticed that the fear started to rise when I started to think about what am I going to say and which words should I use and how will it look like when I meet the director. I managed to keep the level of fear at a lower level than I usually would, but only when I really directed myself to breathe effectively and I was still nervous. I also felt the adrenaline and how I was unable to stay calm and relaxed, I felt how I got shaky and how my muscles twitched. I have to do more Self Forgiveness on the pattern of going into imagining what to say and what will it look like when I meet someone that I perceive as authority and see if any memories come up in relation to it from my childhood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into imagination where I try to imagine the perfect scenario of what I will say and how I will behave when meeting a person that I perceive as authority, because by doing this I try to avoid what I am scared of - that I will screw up the opportunity for myself to get what I want and so disappoint myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look at the act of me meeting with someone that I perceive as an authority, as an act of me having to be selfish and making sure that I get what I want from that person. I realize that I am within this having a selfish approach where I consider only what I want for myself and so fear that I will not get it because I project this selfishness onto the other person and as believe / see that I will probably not get what I want, because I see / perceive that the other person is more powerful from the point of having the power to decide what I get and what not or what my future will be.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to approach people that I perceive as an authority from the point of what is best for all, where I would also consider them. In this way I am constructive for both of us where I then do not have to fear that I will loose what I am working towards because there is no real reason that I would, as long as what I want is best for me and another - thus best for all - except if another person only works in selfishness, in which case I would not be able to work with this person in the way that is best for both of us and best for all anyway.

When and as I see myself going into imagination about what should I say, which words should I use and how should I behave when I am about to meet a person that I perceive as an authority - I stop and breathe. I realize that I am with this only creating the pattern of fear and nervousness, because I am within this pattern judging myself by trying to compare different reactions from others to see which outcomes would mean a bigger failure / disappointment for me and so in imagining these failures / disappointments already create the feeling of it and the fear of it as if it already happened. I realize that with this I already create the path for me to actually manifest it - which is unnecessary and self-sabotaging. Therefore I commit myself to immediately stop such thoughts of trying to imagine what I will say or how I will behave. Instead I prepare for the event by clarifying my objective / goal within myself by seeing what I would like to achieve and by also considering others within this goal - and so not making it selfish - where I do not just consider myself in what I want and so do not have to fear of not achieving the goal. And if I do not achieve it, then I could not have anyways, because the other party is not ready to consider or help me with my intentions.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into extensive fear, like the future of my whole life is in my own hands, where I can screw it up by just one words/a> or deed that I will do, when my father confronted me and wanted to know what I think about something or how will I decide on something or what I want to do / be in the future. I realize and understand that in that moment I went into imagination where I tried to imagine all the possibilities and tried to figure out what my father wants to hear so that he will be pleased and will not be angry with me. Therefore I commit myself to no more go into fear when someone asks me about what I think about something, how I will decide on something or what I want to do / be in the future, because I am not helping myself with this and so the fear is pointless and not necessary. Instead I breathe, look at the question and direct myself as the answer that I not only best for me but also best for all. And if I in that moment cannot come up with such an answer I simply admit that I am not clear on it and that I will have to investigate it.