Friday, June 20, 2014

Day 147 - Reacting to my partner

I went for a walk with my partner and as we were talking, I saw from the voice of my partner that she hides some judgments towards me and to this I reacted by taking it personally, feeling offended and inferior. In that reaction I wanted to show my partner that she is reacting, but I could not do that effectively because I was also reacting myself and so we both fueled the argument for a while before we stopped. Thus I have to write more Self Forgiveness on the point of me reacting to my partner specifically when I see her having judgments towards me. What I see in this is that when I sense judgment / energetic reaction in my partner's voice, I then think about what that is and in this I come up with my own judgments that I have towards myself and so project and believe that this is what my partner thinks and so I take it personally, because I believe my own judgments towards me being inferior.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to my partner's voice with self-judgment, blame and anger when I realized that she is speaking from a point of emotional judgmental reaction.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into self-judgment when I see / perceive that my partner is judging me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and believe that I have to defend my equal status when I see / perceive that my partner is judging me. I realize that I am reacting to my partner by judging myself and believing that since my partner is judging me, this means that I have done something wrong and am now inferior and have to defend myself. When and as I see myself reacting to my partner and her reactions with my own reactions of inferiority and the feeling of being offended - I stop and breathe. I commit myself to no more participate in the reaction / emotion of feeling offended when my partner judges me or is angry with me, instead I make sure that I am clear and the I assist my partner with her pattern / reaction of judgment / anger by showing her with my own example how we can remove all the reactions and apply common sense.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to defend myself in any kind of an argument. I realize that whenever I feel like I should defend myself, this is the point of ego where my mind actually tries to defend itself and exist as it is and not change or remove the pattern. I realize that when I am aware here in the breath with no ego / mind, there is no need for me to defend anything through words because words can only be used to defend one's mind patterns / ego, but nothing physical. Thus whenever I see / realize that I am trying to defend something through words - I stop and breathe. I take notice and realize that I went into a point of ego and that I am trying to defend a mind pattern. Thus I commit myself to in such moment look at what in my mind I am trying to defend and so apply Self Forgiveness on the point and remove the pattern that I believe in and so try to keep as a part of my ego, because I know and understand that I only limit myself with such patterns.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to immediately go into self judgment when and as I see / realize that I have been participating in an abusive energetic mind pattern, like watching women from the point of desire for sexual arousal. I realize and understand that there is no need for me to go into self judgment or feeling inferior, even when I speak about my patterns with my partner or others and even if/when my partner / another is judgmental towards the pattern that she/he sees in me, because this reactions will never help or change anything. In fact, such reactions are another protective mechanism of the mind where then one focuses one's attention towards this reaction / judgment and makes a big deal out of it, instead of just looking at self in self-honesty and seeing where one works the same way and so removing the pattern, or simply assist another without any judgments / reactions, with one's own practical examples of change, so that another can come to a realization quicker and see how one can change self in a way that is best for all.