Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Day 182 - Running away from self by desiring


I am working on removing the point of desire / excitement of looking / turning my head at woman that I would perceive as being sexy / having an arousing / perfect body. I've already worked on the obvious points of how I define / judge what is attractive and what not. But there are still points that I missed and are not so obvious. Thus I will look at what other points come up in relation to this point.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see / perceive / believe / judge / define myself as unworthy and incapable of meeting / talking to / being with / having sex with any kind of woman I want / like, back when I was still in middle school, because I have defined myself as too ugly, too shy, too scared and too boring to be / deserve to be with a woman I really like and / or find attractive. When and as I see myself seeing / perceiving / believing / judging / defining myself as incapable of meeting / talking to / being with / having sex with any kind of woman I want / like - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that all these perception/beliefs about myself are not true as I made them up within my mind by convincing myself that I am in fact inferior to other men and woman, by simply repeating it in my mind over and over. Thus I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to see / perceive / believe / judge / define myself as unworthy and incapable of meeting / talking to / being with / having sex with any kind of woman I want / like.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, because of the above beliefs, create and exist within and as the desire / wish / want within myself to one day be with a "perfect" woman that I will like / find attractive the most as a happiness point and proof to myself that I am not in fact inferior and that I can really be with any kind of woman that I like / find the most attractive. When and as I see myself creating / existing within and as the desire / wish / want to one day be with a "perfect" woman that I will like the most and find the most attractive as a point/desire of proof to myself that I in fact can do it and that I am not inferior - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I do not have to in fact be with such a "perfect" woman in order to prove to myself that I am equally worthy to be with such a woman and that I am not inferior, because the point is to simply stop seeing/defining myself as inferior.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge / blame myself as being without courage and so inferior, because I did not approach, get to know and/or have sex with woman that I really liked and/or found attractive in my life. When and as I see myself judging / blaming myself as being without courage and so inferior, because I did not approach, get to know and/or have sex with woman that I really liked and/or found attractive in my life - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that this judgments are pointless and not real, because I know that what I believe about myself has does not change the fact that all Life and all living beings are in fact equal. Thus I commit myself to not judge / blame myself as being without courage and so inferior, because I did not approach, get to know and/or have sex with woman that I really liked and/or found attractive in my life. Instead I simply see how this was a part of my life where I still subdued myself to my own fears that I experienced when I was around people and women because I didn't know any better at that time.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think / believe / perceive that I can only prove to myself that I do have the courage and that I am in fact equal, if I actually have sex with and be with a woman that I perceive as "perfect" and the most "attractive". When and as I see myself thinking / believing / perceiving that I can only prove to myself that I do have the courage and that I am in fact equal, if I actually have sex with and be with a woman that I perceive as "perfect" and the most "attractive" - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I already am equal and/or have courage to do this as I have already proven to myself with removing the fears and so there is no point in actually doing it as this would just be me following the desire / want / need for the positive experience / emotion of happiness / pride that I perceive I would get if I would be with and/or have sex with such a perceived "perfect" woman that I would not dare to approach in the past. Thus I commit myself to no more think / believe / perceive that I can only prove to myself that I do have the courage and that I am in fact equal, if I actually have sex with and be with a woman that I perceive as "perfect" and the most "attractive".

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish / want / desire to experience the feeling of pride / happiness / satisfaction with myself that I perceive I would experience if I would be with and/or have sex with a woman that I would perceive as "perfect" and the most attractive. When and as I see myself wishing / wanting / desiring to experience the feeling of pride / happiness / satisfaction with myself that I perceive I would experience if I would be with and/or have sex with a woman that I would perceive as "perfect" and the most attractive - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am participating in the polarity emotional design, where I think / believe that I need such a woman in order to be happy, proud and satisfied with myself. I realize and understand that I need nothing at all in order to be proud of myself, happy and satisfied, because I am the only one that can give all that I want to myself by myself, because I also took all that I think I do not have or cannot give to myself away from myself, by myself, by simply starting to believe that I don't have it in the first place. Thus I commit myself to no more wish / want / desire to experience pride / happiness / satisfaction by being / having sex with a "perfect" attractive woman and to also no more think / believe / perceive that only such a woman can give me what I want, because I know that I am the only one that can stop this separation within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be happy with myself, satisfied and proud of myself. I realize and understand that me wanting a certain woman is just me running away from myself, where I do not give to myself the satisfaction of being whole, complete, happy, satisfied and proud of myself as a living being that does not need anything or anyone else in order to enjoy self. Thus I commit myself to always remind myself that there is no point in running away from myself by desiring certain women, because I am everything that I need in order to always enjoy myself as a living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my satisfaction with myself on what kind of woman / partner I am with and/or having sex with. When and as I see myself conditioning my satisfaction with myself based on what kind of woman / partner I am with and/or having sex with - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am with this separating myself with the belief that how I experience myself and how I am satisfied with myself is dependent on the woman/partner I am with, which is a projection. Thus I commit myself to no more condition my experience / satisfaction with myself with what kind of woman/partner I am with, instead I make sure that I am my own satisfaction in all ways.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look for satisfaction by looking at women and turning my head whenever I see a woman that I perceive as "perfect" looking. When and as I see myself wishing/wanting/desiring to get satisfaction by looking at women - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand how I have with this separated myself from satisfaction through the belief that satisfaction is en energetic experience that I can only get by looking at "attractive" women. Thus I commit myself to be my own satisfaction and no more define it as an energetic feeling of desire/excitement when looking at "attractive" women.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will have no "satisfaction" and/or miss out on "satisfaction" if I stop looking at women from the point of desire/excitement. When and as I see myself believing that I will have no "satisfaction" and/or that I will miss out on satisfaction when I stop looking at women from the starting point of desire/excitement - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I have with this limited the experience of satisfaction with the energetic experience of desire/excitement when looking at women, which is a separation and self-limitation. Thus I commit myself to no more believe that I will have no satisfaction" and/or that I will miss out on satisfaction as I stop looking at women from the starting point of desire/excitement.

Word redefinition: satisfaction

I have lived the satisfaction as an experience of excitement/desire that I created when I was looking at women, or after I had sex. I also felt satisfied when I've done a good job, e.g. passed the exam, had a good meal, watched a good movie, played a good game. Thus connecting it with a positive feeling of getting/achieving something that I desired.

Dictionary definition:
1.
a.The fulfillment or gratification of a desire, need, or appetite.
b. Pleasure or contentment derived from such gratification.
c. A source or means of gratification.
2.
a. Compensation for injury or loss; reparation.
b. The opportunity to avenge a wrong; vindication.
3. Assurance beyond doubt or question; complete conviction.

Sounding the word:
sat is faction
sad direction
sit in action

Word polarity:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define the word satisfaction as a positive word where I would feel something more when I would be satisfied and feel unfulfilled when I would not be satisfied.

New definition:

The self-fulfillment and self-enjoyment within the letting go of all the energetic wishes / desires / wants / needs and simply being here within breath.