Thursday, June 18, 2015
Day 240 - Self-trust without experience
I noticed how I am connecting self-trust with having experience, with having a point of reference somewhere in my mind where I can say: I know I can do that no problem because I did it before. So when I cannot find such a point, I lose self-trust, I start to doubt myself and fear that I will fail, that I will not be able to do it. And so the past memories come up of where I experienced myself as a failure and a disappointment and so this becomes a big point of self-sabotage.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define self-trust as having the knowing that I already did something with no problems in the past and so using that as a point of self-certainty that I don't have to fear anything now, because I know that I can trust myself to do it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear, uncertainty and self-doubt in relation to doing something (new) when I cannot find a reference point in my mind of knowing that I already did a similar point successfully in the past. When and as I see myself looking for a reference point of experience on which I would base my self-trust in being able to do something now - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am with this connecting self-trust with experience, which is not necessary as I will only create self-doubt and fear when I cannot find such a point within myself. Thus I commit myself to stop searching for a point of experience when I intend to do/am doing something I haven't done before.
Instead I redefine the point of self-trust as:
Self-movement within the understanding that I am always able to direct myself most effectively when I am simply aware of my breath and the physical situation around me and the goal that I want to achieve, without thinking about all the past experiences I have or don't have. And so I always have the ability to direct and correct myself in the moment as it is most appropriate in order to achieve the goal I set for myself and within this know and understand that there is no real failure in trying to achieve a goal, because I simply insist on achieving it until I do and learn and become more effective while I work on it.