Friday, March 11, 2016

Day 261 - Resistance towards programming / coding

I am looking for programmer jobs and I feel resistance. I see I have judgement towards programming:

  • programming is hard, I get nervous, anxious and frustrated when programming

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that programming is hard, because there is so much I don't know and understand and find hard to understand. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that programming is hard, because there is so much I don't know and understand and find hard to understand - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am experiencing myself this way because of my thoughts with which I judge programming and myself, instead of simply breathing, slowing myself down and directing myself when programming. I commit myself to stop all judgments towards programming and myself when programming and simply breathe and not go into thinking/imagining about all the things I don't know yet and so on, because I am only making myself feel inferior and anxious by doing so.

  • I get angry when I can't find an error or when I don't understand something even after looking at it for a while

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get angry with myself and the code when I don't understand something even after looking at it for a while. When and as I see myself getting angry with myself and the code when I can't find an error or when I don't understand something even after looking at it for a while - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that getting angry with myself and the code is useless and that I don't have to judge myself as inferior, stupid and fear for my "job" when I don't get something right away, because this will not help. It is a completely useless pattern. Thus I commit myself to stop and breathe when I don't understand the error/code and look at the next logical step for me to do/look at to find a solution. And if I find it complicated, I write down the points I can take to find a solutions and then simply walk them one by one, breathing and enjoying myself. Because fuck it, if I do the best that I can and if that is not enough for someone else, so be it, I can be satisfied to know I did my best.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing my job or equal consideration/support/acceptance when I don't know what to do to come to a solution. When and as I see myself fearing loosing my job or equal consideration/support/acceptance when I don't know what to do to come to a solution - I stop and breathe. I realize that I do know what is the next step I can take when I slow down, but then I start fearing that I am not fast/good enough for what other's expect of me. Thus...

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be fast/good enough when I have to do extra steps to come to a solutions while at the same time comparing myself to others and thinking that others would find solutions faster and so making myself feel inferior and fear that I will lose my job or equal consideration/support/acceptance When and as I see myself fearing that I will not be fast/good enough when I have to do extra steps to come to a solutions while at the same time comparing myself to others and thinking that others would find solutions faster - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that this fear and comparison that I create is completely useless. It is not supportive in any way, it will not change the outcome to a positive one, I will only make myself feel anxious and inferior and sabotage myself and that is all. Thus I commit myself to not go into fear that I will not be fast/good enough and to not compare myself with others when I have to do extra steps to come to a solutions, instead I just breathe, put the steps down and do them one by one while enjoying/accepting myself without judgment.

  • there is so much to learn, there is always something new, different and learning is hard

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that learning is hard and make myself feel inferior and create resistance towards learning to program. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that learning is hard and make myself feel inferior and create resistance towards learning to program - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am projecting my frustration with myself when I make myself feel inferior/incompetent when I don't understand something when I think I should or that others do. Thus I commit myself to stop making myself feel angry, frustrated and inferior when I take a while to understand something, as well as I commit myself to especially in that moment when I don't understand something even after a while, to no compare myself with other and think: "others would get this by now...", as I know telling this to myself is useless, not important and will not change anything, I will only make myself feel inferior and angry and that is not necessary. So instead I rather take a moment and breathe and see what other steps I can take to get to an understanding/solution and ask others for advice as well if I can.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear asking others for advice because I compare and judge myself that I should know something already or be so smart to come to understand it myself, without help. When and as I see myself fearing to ask others for advice, because I compare and judge myself - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that when I look at the steps I can take to understand something/solve a problem I can always asks others for advice if I think there might be thing I haven't considered yet. Besides, people usually like to help and feel smart(er) and if not that's fine. Thus I commit myself to ask for advice when I look at how I can better understand something/come to a solution, from those who I see have (more) experience than me in what I do. It's stupid not to, they've do all the work to learn something so why not be of help and give some advice. And if they don't want to I can ask why and explain how easier it is for everyone when we start to share and cooperate instead of compete.

  • I don't want to sit in front of a computer most of my day

Why not? I already do it anyway. But I'd like to do something outside in nature. Some work. I can simply make notes of things I see I can do outside and go do them and get some exercise/balance, instead of sitting inside all day. So I commit myself to see what I can do outside, who I can meet and start doing something I find interesting for myself outside.

  • I don't want to be the geek who drinks coffee and coke and talks only about programming

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge geeks who drink coffee and coke and only talk about programming as inferior, fake, narrow minded, special and trying to be superior in their specialness, while I am actually feeling inferior to them as I don't feel like I belong to anything special and so I judge others. When and as I see myself judging geeks who drink coffee and coke and only talk about programming as inferior, fake, narrow minded, special and trying to be superior in their specialness - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that these judgments I am making are completely useless and not supportive, because I don't have to personify with geeks or cooperate in that idea that I am special because I am a geek and that that is now my label I must identify with and so on. Thus I commit myself to stop feeling inferior because I don't see myself belonging to any particular "special" group and so I can stop judging geeks and other groups as superior/inferior or stupid because they feel/think they are in some ways special while I know no one is. No need for me to judge and/or identify me or others with labels that separates me from others in some special way, even if I do the same things that fit into some label category, like "a programmer", because labels are not required and not who we are. We are Life and anyone can do anything, but we are always all just Life, living beings and so no one is fucking special.

  • I don't like programming

Well, it's not that I don't like programming, it's that I don't like how I get to feel myself when I come to a problem. That's what I wrote out above. So, as I stop creating the patterns of anxiety, self-judgment and anger while programming, this point will stop by itself.

  • I don't like how people group and label each other into labels like "I am a programmer", I am this and that and then build their personas and character around.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to label myself and others and use this labels to make myself feel special or superior/inferior and then start judging this as stupid and projecting it onto other as if they are stupid for having certain characteristics that fit a label, while I am still the one giving/seeing/judging the labels and personifying myself with them or think I don't, where I then either feel special and superior or not special and inferior when I don't find myself as being a part of a label I'd like. When and as I see myself labeling others and/or see perceive some group of people as superior/inferior because I see that as a label, like "programmers", instead of living beings - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am creating superiority/inferiority and judgment towards others because I still put labels on them, thus I commit myself to no more identify myself or others with labels and try to compare and see who is more/less special/superior/inferior. Instead I see all people as living beings, no matter what they do or which groups they associate with or see themselves as part of.