Thursday, October 20, 2016

Day 267 - Sex & Shame

Someone mentioned a point of shame one experienced in relation to sex and I realized that I have the same point that I haven't yet released with self-forgiveness. I never mentioned this point to anyone yet as I was too ashamed to share it and I thought that I am probably one of the rare people who experienced it, so I was afraid that others might judge me as well and look at me like there is something wrong with me. I used to think the same way about many experiences I had in my life, but the more I shared myself with others, the more I realized that most people experience the same or very similar things. In any case, judging oneself and feeling ashamed does not help in any way, it is an emotion we create with our thoughts that we then suppress into our subconscious mind and carry with us as a burden. Then such points accumulate and because there is energetic/emotional tension behind them, this can lead to actual physical health problems in our bodies, because we keep the energy inside, instead of releasing it though self-forgiveness.

So the point of shame I am talking about is related to sex. Specifically how, when I was a teenager, I sometimes could hear my parents having sex in the next room. I was often masturbating as well and for some reason, hearing my parents having sex got me aroused as well. It was the idea that someone is actually having sex and my desire to experience it as well, because I haven't yet at that time. The realization that the ones having sex were my parents was repulsive to me, but if I ignored that part, I was actually aroused and sometimes masturbated because of it. Then I started to judge myself as disgusting, bad, messed up in my head for doing it. I didn't know anything about feelings and emotions and desires or hot to use self-forgiveness to stop those experiences at that time, so I just suppressed it. And because my self-judgement for what I done was so strong, I didn't dare bring it up and speak about it with anyone yet. This is why it is such a great support when you have someone (like a buddy you get in the DIP course) that you know will not judge you, so that you can open suppressed points and bring them up, look at them and forgive yourself for the judgments and release the energetic tension from your subconscious mind that eventually causes health problems. I will continue with the self-forgiveness statements I see are relevant.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get aroused by the idea that someone/my parents is having sex somewhere close to me, where I would then go into imagination and imagine how it would be if I had sex in that moment, so creating energy in my mind and feel the need to release it through masturbation, instead of remaining here in the breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself wish/want/desire to hear the sounds of someone/my parents having sex in the next room and (ab)use them as a trigger point of my own arousal, where I would then use my imagination to imagine that I am having sex with a woman and through that create an energetic arousal within myself that I would use in masturbation to get an orgasm.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being a bad person, messed up in the head, disrespectful and sick for listening to my parents having sex and using the situation to get aroused myself and then use my imagination to pretend I am having sex and then masturbate to get an orgasm. When and as I see myself judging myself for masturbating when I heard my parents having sex - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that such judgement and feeling ashamed is not useful in any way, because I can only create unpleasant physical consequences for my body by suppressing such points and judging myself for them. I realize that I did not understand my mind and arousal and how it all works at that time as I do now, thus I can now see that we all, when we go into imagination to get aroused, (ab)use different situations, pictures and ideas, just to get ourselves energetically stimulated and get an orgasm, instead of actually being here in the breathe and only stimulate ourselves physically, without using the mind imagination, when we decide to masturbate or actually have sex with another person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to share with others how I experienced myself as aroused when hearing my parents having sex and then masturbating and to think/believe/perceive that because I did that, this somehow makes me inferior and that I have to feel ashamed because of it and be punished. I realize that such judgement towards myself or anyone else who had the same experience is not helpful in any way as it only makes me/another to suppress the experience and go into even more judgement, instead of releasing it. Thus I commit myself that I will share this experience, when relevant, without judging myself as bad and without feeling ashamed, as I understand that the fact that I experienced it does not mean I am in any way inferior or having to be punished or feel ashamed, as this is not supportive and is (self) abuse as well. Thus the correction is to release all judgement and shame and apply the correction to not (ab)use the imagination to get arouse and have orgasms, but to instead practice physical exploration of sex when masturbating or when with another and learn to enjoy sex physically, without all the unnecessary (self-)judgement and shame that we have created in our society around sex.