Monday, November 21, 2016

Day 269 - Expecting a job but being rejected


I had a job interview a few weeks back where it looked like I got the job. They said they will call me back as they will also employ another one after the interviews. So I anticipated that I will start working soon and I was happy about it since I was looking for a job for half a year already. Then after a few days I called them and they they said everything is fine, that I should wait. Then I called them again after two weeks and then they told me they chose two other candidates. I was quite surprised as I was sure I will get the job, since I already worked in this company for a year once, before I continued to study, and I also got the scholarship. They said another guy had more references, though I doubt that this was the reason. It doesn't matter anyway. So I was quite surprised and through the day I noticed some reactions coming up that I will write out and direct here, so that I don't suppress them, as I would only sabotage myself by not taking self-responsibility to support myself effectively.

I didn't get the job I anticipated, so how do I feel about it?
I am surprised and disappointed. Why was I not good enough? I feel inferior. I feel like I'm not a proper man, because I don't have a regular job. I'm angry with myself that I was naive and that I didn't make more effort. I feel scared that I will not be bale to earn enough money to do what I want. I fear that my partner will see me as a failure, will not like me anymore and leave me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel surprised and disappointed, because I didn't get the job I expected. When and as I see myself feeling surprised and disappointed for not getting the job I expected - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that there is no point in creating the negative emotional experience of disappointment when I don't get the job I expected, as I am not being supportive towards myself by feeling this way and judging myself as inferior. Instead I commit myself to focus on other opportunities and what else I can do to earn more money and be more interesting for employers.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel, judge and define myself as inferior, because I was rejected for the job I wanted/expected. When and as I see myself feeling, judging and defining myself as inferior, because I was rejected for a job I wanted/expected - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am not supporting myself with judging and defining myself as inferior and by accepting and allowing to feel inferior to others when I get rejected for the job I wanted/expected. Instead I commit myself to look at what else I can do to improve myself and be more attractive to employers and to be able to earn more money myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am not a proper man if I do not have a regular job. When and as I see myself thinking/believing/perceiving that I am not a proper man if I do not have a regular job - I stop and breathe. I realize that such self- judgement/definition is not real and not supportive, because I only make myself feel inferior with it. Thus I commit myself to not judge myself or others as not proper men/women if I/they do not have a regular job, instead I understand that we live in a system/time that is not supportive and where many people cannot have a regular job, so this does not mean in any way that I am/they are inferior or not good enough.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project my anger for not getting the job towards the people at the company. When and as I see myself projecting my anger towards the people at the company or anyone else, because I did not get the job - I stop and breathe. I realize that this anger is anger towards myself for being naive, having the expectation and then feeling disappointed and judging myself for not doing better. Thus I commit myself to not project anger towards the people at the company, but to look at what about myself I am angry about and stopping the anger and transforming it into self-support.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for being naive and creating the anticipation of getting the job and then feeling disappointed for not getting it and blaming myself as inferior. When and as I see myself being angry with myself for being naive and creating anticipation for getting a job when then I don't and then judging myself as inferior - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that being judgmental and angry towards myself, where I look for flaws in myself and things I could do better and then hold them against me and use them to define me as inferior and not good enough and so bully myself with such thoughts and emotions - are not supportive, because I bring myself down by doing so, instead of supporting me to also see my strengths, what I learned and what new opportunities I can create and walk. Thus I commit myself to be supportive towards myself when not getting a job I anticipated, to not go into self-bullying character, but look at what I learned and what new opportunities I can create and walk.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel scared that I will not be able to earn enough money to do what I want. When and as I see myself feeling scared that I will not be able to earn enough money to do what I want - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that me scaring myself with paranoia and going into worst case scenario imaginations is not supportive, because with this I only see negative events, instead of also the opportunities and the fact that I can never lose myself and that at the same time I am all that I need in order to create new opportunities. Thus I commit myself to stand within the realization that I cannot lose myself, that I am always here and all I need to create new opportunities for myself to earn money and so, instead of going into paranoia worst case negative imaginations, I rather focus on new opportunities and what I can do to be better at earning money / finding or creating a job for myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner will see me as a failure, will not like me anymore and leave me, because I don't have a regular job and enough money. When and as I see myself fearing that my partner will see me as a failure, will not like me anymore and leave me, because I don't have a regular job and enough money - I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that my partner can always leave me and that my fear has nothing to do with how much money I have or my partner, but that I fear losing something I see/project onto my partner and not yet give to myself. Thus I commit myself to investigate all things I project and see in my partner and fear losing, so that I will stop creating such fears of losing my partner for whatever reason and rather focus on giving to myself and my partner what I perceived I can only get from my partner and so, being the best support for myself and my partner, where I am aware that fearing to lose my partner is not supportive for myself or my partner and so there is no point to creating it.